You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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