I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
