I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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