I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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