At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
