He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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