I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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