Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
