Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize