i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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