When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
