Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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