you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
