i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I did not marry a roomba.
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