my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
