I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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