There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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