You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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