My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
