Do you still have your period?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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