Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
