A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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