: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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