you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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