i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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