my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
