i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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