The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
