Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
