I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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