I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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