How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
