Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
