Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
