How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
