ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
