I hate your face
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
