just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
