i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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