so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
