I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
