Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
