Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
