He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
