Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
