Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
