We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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