I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
