Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just had sex bonerless
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
