Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
