I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
