my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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